My beautiful redheaded son

Never did I expect this...I always thought he would come home, maybe with a wife and children in tow, to join our family again. Instead his ashes are coming home to me. I am missing a lot of details of the last 10 years of his life, but some of those details might be best left undisclosed. I do however want to hear about the good times he experienced. I hope to hear from those out there that cared about him. I wish he knew that I never stopped thinking about him; every day he was in my private thoughts; every day I sent a silent prayer that he was all right and was learning to be at peace instead of troubled and eventually would reappear in our lives. I never gave up hope...until now.

OOMPAH-LOOMPAHS

Anyone familiar with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory knows all about Oompah-Loompahs. We have our very own Oompah-Loompahs who can do the OL dances to perfection! OLs are pretty funny to watch anyway, but when R and K join them in the dances, it is hysterical. The thing is, they are REALLY good! I don't know how many times they have practiced the dances but they know all the arm gestures and all the steps involved. R has his back to the tv while the dvd is playing, dancing away to the music and he's perfectly choreographed with the Oompah-Loompah on the dvd. K adds a few of her own little specialty swirls and twirls but she knows all the steps and gestures too! I think a dance class instructor would love to have R in her classes but he's busy playing basketball. J videotaped them yesterday afternoon while I was there and she said she'll make a dvd for me so that I can watch them again and again. They are such funny kids....love to entertain, not shy about performing....how nice! And of course K loves the attention and wants applause when she's done. How cute.

Thanksgiving

I have a lot of things to be thankful for...good thing I wasn't counting on absolutely wonderful food at dinner time. J's sister had pre-ordered from a place called The Secret Chef, the entire Thanksgiving dinner! The turkey was all right, gravy was so-so, stuffing was DRY, potatoes tasteless. The butternut squash was really yummy and the rolls were fine. The pies were all ordered too, so no homemade pies...very easy to just take a taste and push it away. The pumpkin cheesecake was pretty darn good but that came from K, not the Secret Chef. I'm thankful that I didn't go hog wild and kept myself in control while enjoying a day off my diet. I'm thankful I didn't have to go see J's mother in the nursing home--I don't do well in nursing homes ever since my Grandmother was stuck in one. I was happy to have Daisy with us. She was such a good girl all day, even though that little terrier Brady had his nose stuck up inside her most of the time when he wasn't trying to hump her....what an ambitious little horn dog!! I"m thankful for all my wonderful friends and the joy they bring to my life. I'm very thankful for having a great daughter and two beautiful grandchildren who make life worth living.

Mothers

Why is it, no matter what age you are, your mom can still make you feel guilty? I like to sleep in on weekends when I can. I can't do it all the time, but when I can, I revel in it. It's just such a luxury to me. I went to the MFA with a co-worker last Saturday so I had to be up and about early to pick her up and then get down to the museum before 10:30, which was our ticket time for the Ansel Adams exhibit. So by Saturday night I was really looking forward to sleeping in Sunday morning, which I did, I totally did. I woke up once around 6, peeked at the clock and rolled over and went back to sleep surrounded by lots of pillows and covered with a couple of quilts, my nest. The phone rang and J answered it and brought the phone up to me....it's your mom. I woke up quickly, thinking something must be wrong since she doesn't call often. I glanced at the clock and it was 9:45. I tried to sound alert when I took the phone but I didn't fool her; she knew right away. She said, "Are you STILL in bed lazy bones?" I answered yes I was but then started making excuses as to why I was still in bed; I was up late last night, did a lot of traveling on Saturday, my back is bothering me, blah blah blah......WHY? Why do I do that? If I want to stay in bed, I can stay in bed. I'm all grown up (mostly) and answer to myself. Then I spent the next couple of hours busily doing chores to kind of make up for sleeping in. How ridiculous is that?

Haunted House Party

My brother and his wife decided to have a haunted house party for their three boys and 60 friends! I offered to help out and was told I had to be in costume to help. My sister-in-law (SIS) said she had a costume I could use. What is it? I asked. She said she thought it was a wicked stepmother costume. I thought I could handle that. So here I am, the Wicked Stepmother and my very own superhero Superman, so full of himself! I just don't understand what was up with the black rabbit ears it looked like I had on. The kids seemed to all have a great time, except for two littler kids...one was afraid and she wanted to go home but we convinced her to stay for a while and she decided I wasn't so wicked after all and attached herself to me for a little while. The other was a little boy who was just overwhelmed by everything going on. My brother was dressed as a mummy and was using his lawn tractor to take the kids on a haunted hayride around the yard with different characters talking or jiggling around the yard. My favorite was this mechanical dude who reminded me of Bobcat Goldthwaite but John says he was from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I still think he looks a lot like Bobcat. My SIS did a good job--she had games for them to play, doughnuts on strings that they had to eat without using their hands, decorating their own cookies with frosting and jimmies, bubble gum blowing contest that also involved whipped cream ( I didn't get to see that one) and other things. The haunted hayride was the hit of the night. The kids took the chocolate eyeballs from my pal Bobcat, and flung them at the kids on the hayride (bratty kids) and I guess my brother was beaned quite often; said he was lucky he didn't lose an eye---I remember when HE was a kid so I didn't have much sympathy. heh heh It was friggin' cold out there so you had to keep moving. I'm not sure who had more fun, the grown up kids or the real kids :)

Weekend at Grandma's

This past weekend I had R and K visiting overnight, which is always fun. You never know what they will come up with for games to play at Grandma's. I will say this -- they have VERY inventive little minds and can make a game out of almost anything. This time they were playacting Cinderella and the wicked stepmother -- must be the favorite dvd of the moment. R was Cinderella and K was the wicked stepmother, being very mean and I think R liked it!!! I think they knew some of the lines by heart -- they get this from their mother -- she can STILL recite lines from her favorite movies growing up. They also do PeeWee's Playhouse scenes together, complete with the funny voices of the different characters! It's hysterical to listen to them, a 4 year old and 8 year old. They take turns being the different characters. R's favorite phrase now in conversation is "Oh, and by the way" and a lot of "Actually...." and K's is, "What about me?" I heard both of these about a hundred times this weekend. J and I were quite amused with the little imps. K told me I was beautiful and that J is GORGEOUS!! I told her he was handsome, not gorgeous, but she liked his reaction to gorgeous so much that she kept telling him that. Nothing like the love of a child. Daisy loves to have the kids there but I think she gets sensory overload, keeping track of them. She's very very good with them, but is quite exhausted when they go home. She naps DEEP once they are gone from her domain. I think anything that is outside of her routine would do the same to her. But she does have lots of fun with them when they are here. So do I!!

What If?

What if every woman learned to love every inch of her skin? That's the question a Dove ad asks. That's a good question. Right now I have way more inches of skin than I would like, but I should really learn to love them because it took a lot of time to get this many inches and it's going to take a long time to decrease some of those inches. It's frustrating. I gained most ofl these inches when I started having back pain and couldn't be as active as I was used to being. I couldn't do ballet any more. Pilates wasn't feeling too hot either. Walking was restricted to short amounts of time. I tried massage, physical therapy, chiropractic treatment. I got more inches as time passed and after the MRI and bone scan, it was determined I needed to have surgery to correct the problem. So I had the surgery, feeling like I really didn't want to expose all my accumulated inches to the hospital world, but not able to exercise those unwanted inches off. Surgery was successful but it was a very long recuperative period. Initially, I lost some of those extra inches because I was too busy healing to do much more than sleep, take pain meds and use the bathroom. Once I started feeling human again, I started eating. Eating without being able to exercise once again. I had to wear a hard shelled brace any time I was upright for the first three months after surgery. My biggest athletic adventure was to go down the stairs to the mailbox...maybe 100 steps. Of course I started accumulating more inches again. I think that I am lucky to be in as good health as I am since I have gone through so much in my life time. I should really learn to love those inches instead of cursing them. I look back to times before when I thought I was so fat and realize just how nice I looked back then, how healthy I was. Too bad I couldn't have enjoyed myself more then....I see myself in pictures from those times and it makes me sad to think I was so busy worrying about inches instead of enjoying the pleasure of just how wonderful it felt for my body parts to all be working so well, no pain, no strain. Now I have pain every day, just in varying degrees. I think all women should be more accepting of themselves and forget about those ads showing skinny little bodies with no hips and no muscles as being the norm. That's not normal for most women. Last Sunday I did the breast cancer walk with raising2kids and christhadasister and some others and I'm sorry to say I was the slowpoke turtle, using a friend's stroller to lean on while walking. The others had to stop many times to wait for me to catch up. I felt bad about making them wait, but I did feel such a sense of accomplishment that I completed that 3 mile walk in spite of the pain I was enduring---imagine that---at one time, my exercise routine was to run 3 miles a day and a half hour stretching routine and free weights every other day. Now I'm ecstatic when I can complete the 3 miles in a slow walk. So all you women in good health with sturdy, working parts--even if you think you have too many inches you need to love them ALL and be thankful they are in good working order. Inches come and go but you are still the same you, no matter how many inches you happen to be made of. :)

Is it an initiation or game?

I recently discovered that someone switched Saab car emblems on me. I had brand new, or nearly new hood and trunk emblems when I bought my used Saab in March. Two days ago, I looked at the hood of my car and saw a completely silver, no griffon, no Saab, no blue surround emblem on the hood. I KNOW that it isn't mine. I walked around to the back and looked at the trunk emblem. That one isn't the same either. It has parts of the blue and red missing on it. Who would switch emblems? Is it some sort of game Saab people play on each other? Is it an initation into the Saab world?? If it is, I DON'T want to play. I'm not having fun having my good emblems swiped and replaced with crap. I looked up replacement parts online and found brand new ones cost $57 for the hood and $49 for the trunk!! Ohhhh, this is NOT funny! I went on eBay and found some to bid on---I'm waiting now for a used, but looking pretty new hood emblem. So far, I am winning it for under $5 with shipping of $3.50 so it would be a reasonable price. But I still feel like I want to Superglue it or weld it or something to the hood of my car so no one can swipe this one. I have a strong feeling it happened at work. Security just zips through the parking lot on occasion and there are no security cameras out there. RATS! There are lots of different people using that lot when there are conferences in our building, which is practically every day so there are transient Saab owners lurking. It really sucks to think someone who works for the hospital would do that to a fellow employee. Wouldn't it be funny to rig a siren to the emblem so that the next time someone tried to swipe it a really loud shrieking alarm goes off ? and then maybe some red dye spurts out and covers their hand so that they are marked as thieves? Hey, I can fantasize about revenge.

Who's the Ho?

Last night J and I were trying to find a specific tv show and didn't remember what channel it was on...while I was clicking channels I came across the local Town Office meeting, which is typically very dull and boring. There were three older, normal looking people, two men and a woman, and one very out of place looking ho. She had a BLACK stripe of roots showing at the top of her very bleached blonde, strawlike hair, tons of black eye makeup and a slutty off the shoulders raggedy looking peasant top on....J and I looked at each other and at the same time said, "Who is the ho?" It was kind of like Sesame Street, which one is not like the others? which one doesn't belong? I'm afraid I judged very quickly and the first thought that came into my head was that I really didn't want someone like that representing me in the Town meetings....oh!

Apple Picking

Iwent apple picking Sunday with J, R and K at Butternut Farm. It was a beautiful day and the kids were so excited. They love to go to Butternut and pick whatever is in season. They pick raspberries, blueberries and strawberries in season but apple picking is most fun because they get to also pick out their Halloween pumpkins in the pumpkin patches and, when it's time to pay, they sometimes get a piece of rock candy--oh boy! The apple trees were loaded with beautiful fruit and the picking was ridiculously easy. The place was packed with people but it's a big enough place that no one really bumped into anyone else while picking, so no fights over territory. K kept insisting on filling up my bag instead of her mother's. J makes apple butter and apple jelly so she has to pick a whole lot more than I need. I will make some apple pies, crisps and just eat plain apples so I really wanted to stop at about half full. I ended up with 3/4 full bag since she was so insistent that each apple she hand-selected was for grandma. R has gotten so tall he was able to pick pretty high up on the trees and that made K want to reach higher too. So I picked her up a couple times so she could reach the "taller" apples. They are very good kids and I enjoyed apple picking with them and my daughter, who is a great mom---she makes everything fun for them and I'm very proud of how involved she is with their daily activities. She is doing a great job raising them.

My Best Boy

He's growing up. I can't stop it and it's a natural thing so I shouldn't want to stop it, but it's hard to think that there will come a time when he's not so thrilled to see his grandma come to visit; he won't want to sit in the same chair as me and show me everything new that he's done or has happened since the last time I saw him. He won't be running to me with open arms and a big welcome kiss. He may not care any more what I think of his actions. He may groan when he sees me coming up the driveway. It will break my heart---he's going to be 8 years old tomorrow. WHERE did the time go?

Mystery Umbrella Lady

Yesterday when I left work, it was a deluge---not just raining; I mean really, the skies opened up and were flooding the roads. I stupidly had both umbrellas in the car, forgetting to bring one back to the office for just such a time....dolt! I waited by the employees' door for a couple of minutes, trying to figure a strategy for getting the least soaked on the way to my car....kind of impossible, just an optimistic thought I guess. A thin little wisp of a woman came out the door with an umbrella and she too contemplated the rain coming down. I looked over at her and said, "Of course you know where MY umbrella is right now." She asked, "Is it in your car?" I replied that it was indeed sitting in my car deep in the middle of the parking lot. She very generously offered to share her umbrella with me and I declined, but she insisted. She said, "There's no way we can avoid getting soaked from the waist down with this type of downpour, but at least we can keep our hair dry." How could I say no? She was so nice! So we both ducked our heads under the umbrella and went wooshing out into the parking lot, up to our ankles in the pools of water already collected in the lot and made our way over to my car. Her car was in a completely different area than mine so she really went out of her way to help me. I thanked her profusely for being such a good Samaritan. I don't know who she is, but I know that she's got a good soul. Isn't it great that there are truly nice people still out there?

9/11

The 4th anniversary of 9/11, I remember where I was when I learned of this awful event. I was having my oil changed on my car and was sitting in the waiting room of the dealership when the news flash came on. I saw the second plane crash into the Tower live and couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was too horrible to even comprehend. Everything stopped. Everyone in the dealership was crowded around the TV too shocked to do anything. These things don't happen in America. How innocent and naive we were. I have seen the same scene and many of the aftermath over and over again and still get that sick gut feeling and sense of loss. I was fortunate not to lose anyone close to me but the loss still affects me in a global sense. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Life

If I had to live my life over again, I'd probably make the same mistakes, just in a different order. Hey! Maybe I'd even make a few more. :)

Comment Spam

Looks like we've all become victims of Comment Spam. If you go to the Dashboard screen, you'll see a link that says Turn on Word Verification. I think you actually do this from Settings. From Settings you select Comments . If you check Yes on Word Verification, you will get the funky looking letters that have to be copied before anyone can comment on your blog, which makes spammers less apt to dirty up your blog with their stupid spam. Your friends shouldn't mind having to type in a few letters to comment. I hope BLOGGER comes up with a way to delete those spam comments once you have been hit. I hate Spam, the kind you are supposed to eat (if you're hard up enough to do that) and the kind that fills up our email accounts and now these blogs!!!! Hope this helps!

More #@*% Cheese!

So today we got a free lunch but there is a catch....we had to sit through a meeting about CHANGE aka moving your cheese, how it affects us, how we deal with change, blah, blah, blah. Apparently our boss has the perception that we can't handle change. I don't understand where she gets that idea since our jobs involve change on a daily basis. I thought we all (or most of us anyway) adapted fairly well to change. We may grumble a bit, but isn't that human nature?? We change and we change and we change, which, I think, just makes us more valuable. If we can change our daily work on a moment's notice, then we can adapt to just about anything. I think, at least in our "pod" the biggest grumble we have is the workload--we are overloaded and have been for some time now. I can't remember how long ago it was when we were actually fully staffed AND everyone there was trained and on their own. But, we adapted. We took on more and more and more and we just did it. But then, the pre-reg portion was dumped on us. A bit premature I think. The system isn't up and running (that is supposed to make this all wonderful) and we're still short-staffed. So we're kind of choking with work here. I'm not saying I'm against change, in fact, change is good, less chance of being bored--goodness knows my whole life involves changes and more changes, some good, some bad, but I DO think we can get overloaded and our brains and bodies can short-circuit, just to MAKE us slow down and attend to the basic needs. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to end up sick from this, mentally or physically. I just hope things get adjusted so that the workload isn't oppressive and we get fully staffed so that we can make those changes at a moment's notice and move on. Life's too short to let work make us crazy. Whew!! Thanks for letting me vent. I'll try not to "talk" about this any more.

Scrabble anyone?

Okay, so we're geeks, dorks, whatever you want to call us. J and I love to play Scrabble. Now we're playing online against each other; having two PCs is convenient for this. We started out 4 years ago in Newfields on a real board with me knowing sooooo many more legal words than J. Those were the good old days; now HE has all the obscure legal words stowed away in his head--he has no idea what the words actually mean, just that they are legal for Scrabble. He can't recall conversations we've had 30 minutes before or two days ago, but obscure words for Scrabble, he has down pat!! He's so competitive! I just want to play and have fun with it, but he's always out to not only win, but win by stomping his opponent into the ground....he's evil when it comes to Scrabble. He wonders why people don't want to play with him. I have to sometimes declare a moratorium and tell him I can't play Scrabble with him for several days because I can't tolerate his wish to eviscerate me in every game. I need to build up stamina to go at it again. On those days, I play against unknown people out there in the internet world. J tells me I am his favorite opponent. Yeah, he loves trouncing me. I created this beast, what was I thinking?

Dominatrix

Ohmygosh! I always thought she was a submissive pooch, BUT last night she was playing in the dog play yard with Taz (neutered male) and when Taz came over to greet me, she grabbed his haunches and started humping him. She wouldn't stop either. When he turned around, she started humping his face. And he LET her! Taz's owner, S, was laughing very hard. He thought it was hysterical that his dog was becoming Daisy's "bitch". I was mortified! This was not my innocent little puppy but a dominant she dog showing him who's boss...but it looks so sexual! Yeah, yeah, where was my mind? I think she was jealous that I was paying attention to another dog. She's never, ever been dominant with anyone, except maybe J some nights when he tries to act like a dog....she growls back at him to show him how to do it right.

More Than a Feeling

Today was a day from hell at work. Only 3 of us and the phones going abso-f*&^ing-lutely nuts. A bunch of reminders must have gone out because every other phone call was to book a mammo. The others were complicated and m.d. offices crabbing because they had to wait so long for someone to pick up—hey! YOU trying doing this job double…..I came up with the idea today, since each of us was doing the work of two people, shouldn’t we be getting paid for 16 hours rather than 8??? Supposed to be 6, there were 3 – you do the math. We all liked the idea, though I myself would rather have things more manageable than trying to do the impossible for 8 hours straight. My half hour in pre-reg covering R’s lunch was the quietest time I had all day. Sheesh! What the heck are they complaining about in there? I could have napped! Tomorrow is review day—do you think the raises will reflect the amount of extra work we are all expected to do at a moment’s notice? Should someone leave the position, go on vacation or be out sick for any amount of time, we are expected to cover it all. And our little CS is “floating” until the replacement shows up in Onc. I really wish we could expect significant raises or bonuses or SOMETHING beside a dinner at Ron’s for all our efforts. *sigh* I guess we’ll see tomorrow.

Kind Words

Another Saturday working overtime in the ER. So many people, so many problems. One homeless guy, (came in under police escort) who spends the day; he's been taken care of, dismissed with crutches and an aircast, yet he lingers outside the sliding doors, trying to bum cigarettes from everyone going in and maybe even trying to get money for a sandwich. We offered him crackers while he was waiting to be seen. He said, "I don't eat crackers." ???? Security goes out to tell him he can't hang around out front like that smoking and basically begging. He breaks down and cries and I guess tells them he wants to kill himself. All of sudden, he's back in, reregistered, this time under observation. I overhear his social worker talking to one of the nurses. She says he does this all the time; just when you think you've got him up and moving, he throws out a statement like that, knowing what the reaction will be, playing the system. Doesn't that just suck all you fellow tax payers? Then the 20 year old young man who came in by ambulance. I go to register him and he's holding his nose; seems calm, trying to be nonchalent about it all. Says he had a fight with a door and the door won. After I gather his info and get him registered, I go back in to get his signature. A nurse is there with him, his face is pretty much covered with blood and most of his facial skin is hanging from the right side of his face. That was SOME fight! Poor guy! I can't help but mother him while I'm getting him banded and collect his signature. It's workers comp and he is young enough not to know that he should be requesting a plastic surgeon. They stitch him up right in the ER. Looks like the ER doc is doing the work; no plastic surgeon. He may think it makes him look tough right now, but what about 10 years from now when he has a very noticeable scar swirling over his nose and down his cheek? Another guy comes in with a smashed and severed finger tip. He feels the need to show me what it looks like. Work related again. It looks like a sea anemone with bone splinters sticking out in several directions and blood everywhere again. UGH! Next guy cut his palm open accidentally while working with a tile knife. He has to hold his palm together so it won't gape open. Some old guy came in by ambulance with his name tag on him, born in 1916. The nursing home found him unconscious on the floor. Looks like he weighs about 85 lbs. He's apologizing for falling....wonder what goes on in that nursing home? I got more depressed as the day wore on. I really think this is not a good place for me to be in. A family comes in with a good looking young man, about 21, who has suffered several bee stings the day before, again while on the job. He's a landscaper. He is built so fine! He's got swelling and redness from the bee stings and he says he's starting to feel tightness in his chest. His mom is staying close to him, hovering a bit, trying to make him feel better. I can tell she is concerned and anxious. I stay calm and ask him if he had any symptoms the day he got stung, and he answers no, just the immediate pain of stings then nothing. I think maybe mom has made him anxious, or maybe, with time, he's worked himself up, but, just to be safe, I call the triage nurse to take a look. We put him in a wheelchair and he is wheeled back to a room then. His father apparently was disgusted with him because he didn't suck it up and wait til they got home from the scrimmage they just attended. He thinks benadryl would have handled it all. Hmmm, maybe this is why the kid is anxious. Anyway, mom is stuck between the two men; wants to stay with her son, but needs to take dad home so he can go to work. I reassure her that I will look in on her son for her and if he asks, let him know she will be right back. I look in on him a little bit later and he's doing okay, in a darkened room with the curtain drawn and looking a little sleepy. Maybe they gave him the benadryl or something a little stronger. Anyway, no big worries there. We had people with chest pain, more people with cuts, one with chills and fever and one who miscarried. I couldn't wait for the shift to end. Of course H was late so I had to wait for her to make her grand entrance before I could scoot out. As I was walking out the door and across the parking lot, the mom of the landscaper came over to me with a big smile and thanked me for the way I handled their visit today. She said, "You all do a good job in there but you went out of your way to make us feel taken care of and I thank you for that. J probably would have been okay with benadryl but you never know." I said, "Thank you for your kind words. It helps to know people appreciate your efforts. I'm glad he's okay and it's best to be sure. You did the right thing to bring him in." So maybe I didn't do so well with the homeless guy who refused to eat crackers; and the guy who insisted on showing me his brutalized finger with no tip, and some of the others. But I got some kind words from a mother that made me able to square up my shoulders again and get on with my day without being depressed. Thanks mom!

Lucky Bamboo

My lucky bamboo isn't so lucky any more. Slowly, piece by piece, I'm losing it. All winter long it's been green and growing, looking mighty healthy. Now it's turning yellow and getting squishy. I don't know what's wrong. It was doing so well--I water it and give it diluted liquid fertilizer and sunshine, but not too much sunshine. Maybe, just maybe, it's the negative energy around here. It used to be a healthy atmosphere. Now there's lots of stress. Perhaps that lucky bamboo is in tune with us and senses our spirits are flagging. It's kind of a mood barometer. Oh, but didn't I just mention spirits?? I could use some. Almost time to punch out. I can lift my spirts with some spirits from the liquor store. A brilliant idea!

Tom Brady

I have loved Tom Brady since the first time I laid eyes on him! But NOW, now I know how old, or should I say how young he is and I feel like a DIRTY old lady...it's not fair! I liked it better when his age was unknown and I could fantasize without the knowledge of that number. He could be any age I wanted him to be, much like I can be 32 forever in my mind. *sigh* those were the days

Hot Pepper Jelly

This year was my first attempt at making hot pepper jelly. In the past, I have made all sorts of jellies, jams and conserves, but I never tried making hot pepper jelly. I taught A how to make jellies and jams a long tme ago. She, in the past 5 years, took on the task of making hot pepper jelly and she experiments; sometimes it's burn your whole mouth hot, and sometimes it's medium and sometimes it's mild. I mostly like the medium hot stuff myself. T and E even had to cut the "burn your whole mouth hot" stuff with mild pepper jelly so they could eat it, so it's not just me. J approves of my first attempt. K and P approved very vocally, so I guess it's a good batch. I need to make another batch before summer is over so I can give some as gifts, and have some on hand during the winter when it's a pleasant surprise to have for a special treat. I just have to figure out a spot to hide it from J so he won't be opening jars late at night and scarfing it all down on me. He's a late night snacker.

Too Much Stuff!

Have you ever had the feeling that you're surrounded by just too much stuff? Do you find yourself wanting to unload all but the very necessary? Make life simple? Why do we have that gene that makes us want to amass things "in case" we ever need to use them? Why can't we borrow more or rent more and buy less stuff ? I go through spurts of accumulating things and then somewhere down the road, I start wanting to lighten the load, in case I put on my walking shoes and change my life's direction. I like my creature comforts but there are so many things I have that I don't really have to have in order to be comfortable. I'll never give up my bed. I love my bed. I embrace sleep like a welcome lover. But I could do without the heated mattress pad in the winter, and the down comforter. I could have plainer, simpler ways of keeping warm. I don't have to have 98 sets of sheets; I could get along with 2 sets, one on the bed and one to change off with when it's time to launder. I don't need all the pots and pans I have accumulated. Or all the coffee mugs, or t-shirts with logos. I don't need a jewelry box full of earrings. I usually only wear two pair anyway. I don't need 157 different pens around the house; 2 or 3 would be adequate. So why do I do this? Is it a compulsion? Now I'm coveting fabric. Collecting various fabrics with dragonfly designs on them. Okay, I DO want to make a quilt with them, but already I have accumulated far more than I need to accomplish this. I have to STOP. I need to be happy with what I have and just make do. I can't have it all.

Portsmouth

Portsmouth has this eerie effect on me. I can so easily get lost in Portsmouth, in fact, I have; many times. One time I found myself in Maine and realized I had overshot my mark, going to meet with friends for The Serfs and had to back track to get where I was supposed to be; another time I was meeting J for the first time and forgot how to get back to the parking garage from Market Street!! How ridiculous is that? Yesterday, I managed to get lost again, of course, in Portsmouth. I was headed down Route One to a medical appointment and all of a sudden, things didn't look like I expected they should on the way to this office. Mentally going over the location, I realized the office was not on route one, but, for the life of me, couldn't come up with the street location in my head! I panicked as usual, and headed toward downtown Portsmouth hoping something would look familiar to me and I would get back on track. Meanwhile, I'm looking at the clock because I now have 12 minutes to be on time for my appointment. I wended my way all through downtown Portsmouth before I came up with the idea of finding my way from there to Woodbury Avenue, where I think the office is. Ahhh, now it's coming back to me...it IS on Woodbury Avenue next to Circuit City...ohmygod, why couldn't I come up with that? Why do I panic whenever unsure of where I am in Portsmouth? Most places don't do that to me...I think Portsmouth is the only place that is able to make me stupid every time and filled with anxiety. I DID actually manage to make it to my appointment on the dot, I don't know how....maybe I time travelled.

New Refrigerator

Yes, it's these little things that excite me. I haven't had a brand new refrigerator since I lived in Colrain (11 years ago) and spoiled myself with one that had an icemaker and ice available through the door, crushed or cubed....how pathetic am I? Well, today the complex manager was paid a visit by Daisy and me. She promised us a new refrigerator a couple of weeks ago when I told her the one we have now freezes everything in the refrigerator section and just keeps things cold in the freezer section. I had tried cleaning the coils, giving it more space behind and on the sides and adjusting and adjusting and adjusting the thermostat--nothing helped. Oh yes, the obvious thing would be to flipflop the contents except the freezer is way smaller than the items I need to keep refrigerated and the refrigerator would never be filled by the things I freeze...can you imagine the electricity costs with a big freezer like that? Yikes! Anyway, I asked her when we could expect our new refrigerator since I'm still losing all sorts of fresh fruits and vegetables and other assorted stuff when it freezes in the refrigerator. She thought we already HAD the new one. Uh, nope, I really would have noticed. She made a call and told me I could expect it this afternoon. It's been waiting in storage for her to tell the maintenance guy when he COULD install it. Oh nice!! Anyway, I just finished cleaning out most of the stuff, throwing away odds and ends and cleaning up a frozen spill where an orange soda can had exploded and the contents were now frozen on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. When did that happen?? Oh yuck! I worked up a big sweat cleaning it out and now am sort of patiently waiting for the new one to arrive before I finish the job. Now I can grocery shop this afternoon and know that my food will be properly refrigerated in my new refrigerator. Hey! This was supposed to be a leisurely vacation--I'm not supposed to be working so hard. Why is it the man is never around when you need them?

Vermont weekend

Before I left for my weekend, I managed to spill a bottle of nail polish, something I've never done before, and of course it had to be a fairly bright raspberry color on my rather beige bedroom carpet. I must have been screaming inside my head instead of aloud because J said he didn't have any idea the state of panic I was in upstairs. He thought I was just getting dressed and packing for VT. I managed to squirt most of a bottle of nail polish remover on the long thin lines of raspberry polish and took an old towel and rubbed the hell out of it, getting it down to a dull pinkish beige where I had spilled. It was the best I could do. Of course, that made me late starting out so I didn't want to stop along the way---just wanted to get there ! A weekend in Vermont, time slows down and there's no rush to get anywhere or do anything once you get there. It's so GREEN! Being in good company helps to make it a delight. The 2 1/2 hour drive just about destroyed my back but I popped a Darvocet and lounged around for the most part and managed to make do. With the dragonflies flitting and owls hooting, the noise of a brush cutter in the distance, JK and I enjoyed eating outdoors and walking to the creek to dabble our toes in the icy cold water. The red raspberries hanging in the bushes, apparently missed by the bear, were an extra special treat to pop into our mouths after our meal. All too soon it was time to leave and make that lonnnnnng trip back to the seacoast, to home. This time, I stopped along the way to get out and stretch my legs and back, hoping to avoid being crippled by the time I got home. I browsed through a basket shop and bought a couple of baskets and a seagrass mat for the beach. I was tempted to get some soft serve which was conveniently next door to the basket place, but I decided it would be better if I just put my plump thighs back on the seat and headed home. When I got home, Daisy was ecstatic to see her mom and leaped up into my face with a huge dog smile on hers. There's nothing like unconditional love! J was happy to see me too but not nearly as demonstrative as Daisy about it. People usually aren't as expressive as pets. Today is a low profile day with my back still protesting from too much driving, but I've loaded up on drugs to help that and hopefully, tomorrow I will be cruising around a lot more. If I could just get my back to cooperate more, Vermont weekends could be more frequent!

Stick People

Why is it we all learn to draw people first as stick people? I look at my granddaughter's first attempt at age 3 to draw people. She first drew Mommy in pink, herself in green, her brother in blue, and two attempts of Daddy in purple. And a big two toned rock--she loves rocks. Brings them into the house to display them everywhere...must get that from her rock-climbing father. I wish I looked like one of her stick figures instead of the bloated mass I have become.

Pooped Pup

Wow! I never thought I'd see the day where Daisy was too pooped to play. We took her to see the kids on Saturday and while JF and J were doing a softball catch and hit session for JF to get herself prepared for a company picnic softball game, Daisy and I played on the playground with the kids. Actually, I spent the time playing with the kids and Daisy just ran and ran and ran through all the grassy fields and the wood chips covering the ground where the playground equipment is and across the tarmac filing her nails as she ran. She did stop to poop on the third base line which J had to bag up so no kids ended up with poop feet, but that's about it. We were there well over an hour and she didn't crash until I sat down with the kids for a drink, then Daisy crashed at my side and sprawled out trying to get some coolness from the grass. I gave her water in the frisbee R and I had been using and she lapped that up in two seconds. Today, she is lazing around the house, still following me if I move from floor to floor, but she flops herself down as soon as she determines I am staying on that level for a while. She is one tired dog! I'm so glad! I guess I should do that more often. I even bought a new basket for all her toys, gathered all the toys, put them in the basket and showed it to her. She looked, stuck her nose in to sniff several toys, and then lay down next to it to go back to sleep. No playing today--she's too pooped!

Chicken

Okay, so I'm a chicken! I wanted to go to the MFA with M but I thought maybe it would be better if I were the one driving. Yeah, she's more familiar with the streets of Boston than me, but she DID fail her driver's license eye exam the last two times and only gets a license renewed because her opthalmologist writes a letter to the DMV so she can continue to drive. She won't drive at night (thank God) but continues to drive otherwise. Yes, she's as careful as she can be about her driving, but when she tells me from across the living room, " I can't see you but I do see a shadow moving in front of the mirror," I figure it's safer for all involved (and innocent bystanders) if I am the one driving while she reads directions to me. The last time I let her be the driver when we went into Boston, she almost scraped along the Jersey barriers on the highway down there and ran over a curb taking a right turn while in Boston. I almost pooped my pants, thinking I was a goner that day! The worst part was, she had no idea that she came so close to making hamburger out of us. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I do want to live a good long life, so I just told her that I was in love with my Saab and I really enjoyed driving it so I would drive and she could navigate. M has a new car too, but she fell for that excuse this time. I dread when the time comes that I have to tell her how scared I am of her driving. It will hurt her feelings terribly. Last night (still light out) she drove us to the nearby restaurant for dinner and I thought she did fairly well on a very familiar route (5 minutes from her place), except that she didn't see this HUGE pot hole right in front of us that she could have avoided by a mile had she been able to identify it. Wham! Into the pothole with her brand new car. I tried to warn her when I realized she was headed for it, but she bulldozed right toward it and all I could do was hold on tight! It was teeth rattling. She said she only saw a dark spot and thought maybe it was a puddle. I know she's only 63 and she still needs to earn a living, but I'm not so sure that loophole of a doctor writing a note to renew your license is such a good idea. How many more Ms are there out there doing the same kind of driving? I don't want to be around to see anything bad happen because they really can't see well enough to react quickly to avoid accidents. Yikes! I wonder if that's how that 83 year old man who ran into me and then into my car got his license renewed?

Was It Something I Said??

I knew J was coming in late, because of a doctor's appointment. But P was due in at 8:00, so no problem. Then C at 8:30 and K and T at 9:00...no sweat. While I'm waiting, a deer shows up on our hillside, right near the big forsythia bush. It's a boy with little antlers, about a year old. He's grazing quite contentedly. There's no one to share this with, so I call DB to see if she can see him from her office. She comes in to our office to observe. He stays for a few minutes, circling around so we can view him from all angles. How cute! 8:00 comes and goes; no P. 8:30 comes and goes; no P OR C...what;s going on??? Is someone or something highjacking my co-workers? Phones were steady and I needed to pee desperately. Surely someone knows where they are. I called D in Kingston...is C there? Did we screw up and think she was coming in here today? No C. I called JD...I think I'm looking at the right, most recent updated schedule.... where are my work buddies? JD doesn't know ...says they should both be here....WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE?? Finally T shows up a couple minutes before 9....okay, no conspiracy. I run for the bathroom after expressing how happy I am to see her. When I come out DB is trying to explain why C is not here. One of her schedules says she is due in at 10...the other, the one I looked at, says she's here at 8:30. Geez, no wonder we're all confused! Poor P...she had an old schedule up at home and she really thought she was due in at 9:30...and showed up then. Unfortunately, now she has to stay until 6, the one early day she was scheduled for this week and she missed it. I really hope tomorrow is back to normal, whatever normal is these days.

Ahhh! Relief!

Getting the haircut, manicure and pedicure today was the best thing I've done for myself in a long time! My hair is cut short, shorter than its been the entire 11 years I've lived in NH, but not as short as I have had it in the past. The stylist kept asking if I was sure I wanted to go this short and I said yes, yes, yes. I have happy hands, happy feet and now a very happy head!! :) I don't care if no one else likes it, it makes me happy and that's what I set out to do. I love my new stylist, S and will be seeing her again. After all, we have a "relationship" now. She loved up my feet and hands today and that head massage included with the cut is heavenly. I have to say, Xian you're right. Supercuts is like fast food. Salon 72 was a modern day Eden.

Another haircut!

I've HAD it!! I can't stand my hair any more. I dyed it too dark. There's too much of it, and it's too hot; I need a change and I think I'm going for a medium-short cut, one that covers those crazy cowlicks at the nape of my neck but is shorter in front so I don't have so much heaviness on the top of my head making me feel weighed down like an old drudge. I'm also going to get (maybe) a manicure and pedicure to pamper myself--haven't pampered in a long, long time. I'm trying Salon 72; I believe it's the one Xian went to and she looks so mahvelous dahling, not that she didn't before but now she looks even hotter. I don't have any illusions that I will look that good, but it will definitely life my spirits and I need that desperately right now. Wish me luck!

Good holiday weekend

You couldn't have asked for better weather! It was a beautiful weekend to spend outdoors. The kids were visited on Sunday. The pool had just been filled, water too cold to go in, but the air was so comfortable we really didn't need the pool to enjoy the day. We had fun outdoors playing frisbee, blowing giant bubbles ALL over the place and playing card games on the picnic table. Of course, playing a card game with K is like nothing you would recognize. She makes up rules as she goes along and inevitably, she ends up with all the cards and declares herself the winner....to top that off, she puts one hand on her belly, the other behind her back and starts bowing and saying, "Thank you, thank you!" Sheesh! She wants kudos for everything she does. R has fantastic hand/eye coordination when it comes to PS2 action games and PC games but I have to say, as much as I love that young boy, he can't catch a frisbee with any finesse. I hope he practices a lot and gets better. J had to pay him a dollar if he caught a frisbee toss. He finally did, and sweetie that he is, he immediately gave it to his sister---awwww! Yes, we had our lobster dinner and it was a little bit of heaven, messy and buttery, (incredibly expensive - thank you red tide) but oh so delicious! And strawberry shortcake for dessert so we waddled our way through the rest of the evening. Our complex had their own fireworks display in the tennis courts so we didn't have to go far for celebrating. We didn't make it to Boston for the Pops and fireworks but we did watch them on TV; not the same, but better than missing it entirely. I think Boston does the best job of celebrating. When we have actually been there in person, it is exciting and fun and doesn't feel threatening at all. Hampton Beach fireworks' crowd mostly feels scary, though the fireworks are nice.

July 4 hikers 

Of COURSE he's responsible!

I get told I am a nag and acting like his mother...hmmmph! Well, how responsible is he behaving when he leaves the gas grill on overnight, for 12 hours?? And leaves the latch open on the back gate and the back door unlocked all night? Is this supposed to make me feel safe and protected? Like my man is taking good care to see that I am safe? Nope! It's more like a forgetful child who needs to be reminded of the same things day in and day out and then complains. Nag? I think not! More like, okay if you won't be careful on your own, I'm gonna have to remind you that you are now an adult male and supposed to have responsibilities in your life now. Don't let me go to bed thinking I'm going to be sleeping soundly in a safe, secure setting...don't let me think the car is being taken care of correctly because you are the one driving that car.....3000 mile oil changes ARE a necessity. Cleaning, vacuuming, washing the car...those are all important too. I have my own car to think about--I don't need to add yours to my list of things to deal with. Don't tell me you will bring home milk and then forget 9 times out of 10 that you said you'd do that. And on and on and on--It really sucks being the only responsible adult in a relationship...so really, start acting like an adult so I can get on with my own shit.

Lob-stah!

I LOVE lobster! I am really craving a lobster dinner...it's going to have to happen this long weekend...I can't go much longer without one. Steaming or boiling lobster up at home and melting a huge gob of butter and having that butter slip down my arm after I dunk a chunk of lobster in the butter and raise the lobster up to my lips....mmmmmmmmm, it's much better at home because you can wear a towel if you need to and really get down and dirty into the eating of the lobster. At home, you can strip down and shower afterward if need be. Restaurants inhibit you. And after the lobster, I think I want a big dish of strawberries and whipped cream, maybe with a shortcake somewhere in there. This is terrible~ like a pregnant craving ~ but not! Decadent long weekend, here I come!

Shades of Jerry Springer

Well, maybe not quite as trashy as Jerry Springer, but certainly more than I could ever imagine being involved in!! Man in Rm 7 tried to do himself in...didn't want to live any more. Here's how it started---the man, his wife, her mother, AND her step-mother all drinking together....and oh, by the way, they all live together at one address, in a duplex with an apartment over the garage. It's hot, humid and they're all drinking and swimming in the pool and having a good time together. The mother decides that she's really turned on by her son-in-law and starts to get cozy with him, rubbing herself on him. Her daughter starts yelling and telling her to knock it off and screeches at her husband for being open to her mother's advances. He claims innocence. The mother says she's just kidding, ease up girl, take a chill pill. The daughter stomps off into the house fuming, not wanting any part of the drinking pool party any more. BIG mistake. The daughter stays in the house for about an hour sobering up, cooling off, for whatever reason. Anyway, she decides maybe she'll go back and join the party and have a couple more drinks with them. She walks out the door only to see her own mother giving her husband a BJ...All hell breaks loose! The names are being called. The wife swears she never wants to have anything to do with hubby again...and as for her mother, well, she KNEW she never wanted to live around that bitch anyway! Get her out of here, never want to see either of you again!! She storms off. (I am assuming the stepmother was watching the BJ, ya think??) The husband, feeling great remorse, does not want to live without his beloved wifey. He declares life is not worth living without her so he's going to kill himself. He runs into the kitchen and takes a whole bottle of pills. The step-mother calls an ambulance and contacts her stepdaughter and tells her that her husband has OD'd, and they follow the ambulance to the hospital....turns out the man OD'd on MetaboLife diet pills....I don't know, what do you think?? Do you think, he thought if he could get real skinny, real fast, he would die!?!? What's wrong with this guy? Does he really believe all the hype about MetaboLife? Puh-leez! They never work as good as they claim!

Six Year Old Saab

Who would have thought I would get so much pleasure out of a 6 year old Saab? I'm so glad I decided to get it though. I could have gone for a new vehicle, but for the same price as this Saab, I wouldn't have been able to get very many bells and whistles. I LOVE this car and it doesn't matter to me if anyone else likes it or not. It brings me great pleasure and that's what is important, right? I have heated leather seats both front and back seats, a/c that blows out of so many different ducts, front and back, the back seat folds down so I can put Daisy in the way back without wrecking the leather seats; she just hops up into the hatchback and is happily looking at the world going by. The power seats adjust and there are four settings to save your personal settings so if anyone else gets in and adjusts the seat, you can adjust it back to your own setting by pressing one button....magic! It also has a CD changer that sits in the back out of the way, power windows, power mirrors, power roof, tachometer, automatic temperature control, computerized gas gauge, trip odometer, remote keyless entry, turbo power, front and side air bags, rear side air bags, etc. I just have the best time and I haven't let J drive it yet....I may NEVER let him drive it. It's my baby and I don't have to entrust it to anyone else if I don't want to!!!! So I get into my Saab and turn on my tunes and cruise on down the road smiling like a fool---it's not a bad way to start or finish a day. Simple pleasures for simple people...I guess that's me!

Sick Day

I felt miserable, dizzy, congested, raw throat and exhausted, so I took a sick day. I crashed back in my bed, my haven, and promptly went back to sleep, waking each time one nostril clogged up and I found myself breathing through my mouth. I hate mouth-breathing. Could feel myself going down into a restful sleep and the dratted phone rings. It's James Earl Jones. No really...James Earl Jones. He has the most distinctive voice. He wanted to know if I'd received my DSL set-up kit yet and if so, what was I waiting for? Why not install it now? Since it was a recording, I hung up about half way through it and threw the phone on the floor. After blowing my nose with a thousand more tissues, I settled into my nest of pillows and blankets again and managed to get a couple hours sleep. My beautiful wonderful dog laid down on the floor next to the bed and contented herself with waiting for me to get up and pay attention to her. She's so easy....as long as she's near me, all's right with her world. The next time I woke up, I toddled downstairs to get some coffee and take the dog out....after all, her bladder is only so big and I figured the fresh air might blow some of those cob webs out of my head. No sooner did I get back into my bed and settle in again, but the damn phone rings again. This time it's J. He wants to know if I'm okay and what I'm doing....what do you THINK I'm doing?? I'm TRYING TO HEAL. He got the hint after a couple of minutes of me grunting at him; it was the closest thing to talking I could accomplish. I hadn't used my voice except to say hello each time the phone rang. After a couple more sleep opportunities, I got up to refill my drink....drinking and peeing the two most strenuous things I wanted to do today. That phone rang again...it's was James Earl again, repeating his message to me.....I talked back to him (it wasn't pleasant); it didn't help. He wasn't listening. This time I listened all the way to the end, hoping that this will be the last call James Earl feels he needs to make to assure I am up and running on DSL. I'll tell you something--that DSL had better be worth it. Now it's early evening and I'm starting to feel like I should have a little food to give my stomach something to work with. How about some nachos? They will have the added benefit of making my nose run and my eyes water....making this cold get over with more quickly?? One can only hope.

Noxious Fumes

Okay, I'm always telling J he needs to be careful with all those emissions. I worry about my dog being in the same room with him for a long time when he's releasing his noxious fumes. I'm going to email him this story so he sees just how dangerous those noxious fumes are. Here is a nominee for the Darwin award. Darwin awards are given out for the persons who die in the most stupid manner. A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized. Now, wouldn't that make YOU be more careful about spending time closed up with a person with that capacity to emit gas?? I just may have to put him out in the yard.

TA-DA!! 

First Recital

Awwwwww, first dance recital for K. What a little hambone! She doesn't know the meaning of stage fright. Bowing and blowing kisses to the crowd, she stole the show for her two numbers, one tap, one ballet. At their age the 3 and 4 year olds aren't really expected to follow the whole routine perfectly. Good thing since she decided to add her own little steps and twirls every now and then just to feel her tu-tu swirling around her and to elicit more clapping so she could bow and kiss. What a funny kid!

Gray Hair and Lasers

Sure, sure they advertise laser hair removal all over the place, promising wondrous results...I called and asked Dr M's office what a 5 minute treatment would do for me. I have a few chin/lip "whiskers" (thanks to the French ancestry) I'd like to get rid of permanently. I used to have electrolysis, which wasn't too painful and actually worked pretty well as long as you keep up with it. I stopped after a while because the money was tight. I now have about 5 dark hairs that I pluck on a regular basis, and then there's a couple of occasional pop-ups that I banish as well. So the staff faxes me some info on it. I'm ready to spend the $75 for a 5 minute treatment thinking, "this is it! I won't have to hunt those suckers down anymore. " hmmmm, well it turns out that laser hair removal doesn't work on fine hairs and doesn't work on gray hairs. That's most of what I might want to use this on. The preparation involves shaving that's right, shaving....WHO WANTS TO START SHAVING? You can't pluck or wax and you can't depilitate before laser treatment. You have to shave the area the day before. One treatment doesn't get rid of it all. You have to go back for a series of treatments....this could get VERY expensive, for 5 little darkish gray/white hairs that annoy me on a regular basis. I think I'll stick to plucking or debilitating and hope for an eventual dying off of those follicles and then I can retire my tweezers and Nair.

What's all this about moving cheese?

Okay the boss gives us this lovely little book about moving cheese and expects us to welcome the wonderful new changes of adding more work into our daily schedules. Now, not only do we schedule appointments, but now we pre-register the folks, make sure to get pre-auths, and in our spare time, we get to call the folks and bug them at home to pre-reg before their appointments. I think we're multi-tasking enough but this place is always changing our duties. I wouldn't mind taking on the new stuff if some of the old responsibilities were taken away. OR, here's an idea....pay us MORE MONEY to take on these new tasks. Yes, we may act like Superwomen, but damn it...we all have our limits! We can't do everything perfectly when our heads are spinning with details. NO WONDER we like to relax with a few drinks. Poor C even lets people cut her hair when she's relaxing....and I have a pet moth named Vincent who visits when I'm relaxing... Don't you think our "customers" will be crankier the longer they have to wait on the phones? I know I would be. So I say get rid of the old PI charts and give us more money to do more work and expect more errors and less accuracy. Then maybe we will be a little happier with that ever elusive "cheese" we're chasing. Did I emphasis the MONEY aspect enough???

Vincent

It must be the drugs I am taking. They give me all sorts of crazy dreams, with enough things that MIGHT be real to sometimes make me think I have really experienced them. The drugs are supposed to be helping me to get my back pain-free...I'm not sure it's helping there, but I AM sleeping quite well. :) Anyway, on to Vincent... On Sunday, I noticed a moth sitting on the wall in the living room, above my reach, so I just watched him. I figured if he moved lower I could "help" him to leave my abode. He stayed there all day, not moving. J came home and noticed the moth too. I told him he'd been sitting there all day and would he please remove him for me? J said, "No, leave him alone. He's not hurting anything." Monday, the moth had disappeared. I don't know where, I saw no signs of him anywhere, so I didn't give him another thought. This morning while I was still groggy and trying to down some coffee to get me up and running, J noticed the moth had returned and was on a wall behind me. He said, "Look, Vincent!" I looked at him like he had three heads. "You named him???" J just grinned at me. I don't talk much until I have a full cup of coffee in me so there isn't much conversation at the start of our days. After I went upstairs and got ready for work, I came down to gather my stuff for work. When I am in the kitchen, J can't usually hear me very well....not that he EVER hears well, but it's worse when I'm at the sink and he's in the living room. I asked him a question and he yelled, "WHAT?" And he sounded pretty cranky. So I spoke up louder and he answered me. Then I asked him another question and he said, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" And I said, "Someone is cranky this morning. You don't need to yell at me." He said, "You know I can't hear you. I'm not cranky." (said in a VERY cranky voice) So I thought, why not make a joke out of it so he'll stop being cranky? Again, I said, "no need to be cranky, Mean Old Man." I saw him get up and take a napkin and go after the moth on the wall. He squashed it. When I saw that I said, "Oh see how cranky you are? You squashed Vincent. You killed him!" J looked at me like I had gone completely mad. "WHO?" he said. "Vincent. Didn't you tell me you named him Vincent?" J said, "Why would I name a moth? And why would I name him Vincent? Are you smoking dope or something? Where did that come from?" I said, "You just told me this morning he was Vincent. Have you forgotten already?" He started laughing at me. "You are one crazy woman. That conversation never happened." I burst out laughing, tears rolling down my face, wheezing and trying to hold it together....did I dream that whole scene or did he say something entirely different, like, "Look, an insect." And when I asked him if he named him, he just grinned; maybe that was a coverup because he didn't hear what I said so he figured grinning was a safe response. Whatever occurred, it's a mystery to me and I'll probably never know for sure. I was SO certain he named that moth. And he's SO certain I've lost my mind....what the hell do those pills have in them anyway????

My very own Darth Vader 

Star Wars second time around

Star Wars...who would have guessed I'd be doing the Star Wars thing all over again? Does that make me ancient?? I did Star Wars the first time around with my kids, my son wanting everything SW and going to all three movies with both kids and sitting in seats sticky with gum, spilled soda, with nasty things under my feet I don't even want to LOOK to see what it is. I have to confess, I DID get into the movies and characters myself, in spite of those cinnamon bun thingies on Princess Leia's head....glad THAT didn't become a fashion statement in the real world. But this second time around, I can converse with my grandchildren about the original three movies, sort of, but there's a lot I've forgotten and now there are three NEW movies, that actually take place BEFORE the old movies, if you can follow that, and I have no idea what my boy is referring to. I am going to have to watch the three new ones, then watch the three old ones and go back and sound like the cool grandma I am so I can still be their hero. I go on eBay and bid on the original action figures for them so they can have those as well as the new ones mom buys for them. I still have some of the original ones from when D was a boy and R gets to play with those when he visits. He thinks they are as good as TREASURE. I even play Star Wars things with them. I put the Darth Vader mask on and breathe funny and say, "Luke, I am your Father!" for them while K acts like Princess Leia (no buns) and R like Luke Skywalker or C3PO, depending on his mood. Gotta be careful of that light saber though, especially when K is wielding it....she is one dangerous little midget!! Don't get her mad at you...she can really hurt you without trying. Well, I AM having fun the second time around but this time, I don't have to live and breathe Star Wars. I can go home and rest after getting into all that with them; do grown up things like take a nap so I can get some energy back to do the not so fun things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and all that. Hey, maybe I do want to be a Star Wars nut with them!

The future 

Banking Blues

Why does it take a bank two full business days, at a minimum to correct an accounting error they have made when it only takes me a couple of minutes to correct it in my check book, that is, IF it's my mistake. This one was a whopper and it was most definitely the bank's error. Cashing my check to JF for $22.00 as $2200.00!! Then charging me overdraft fees daily as a result of their screw up....what the frig is the world coming to? Yes, they acknowledge it's their fault. No, they don't give a flying f*@k that I know have no money to work with since I rely on the fabulous idea of direct deposit and using a debit card instead of carrying cash. Nor do they care that I had to pay for my friggin' groceries with a charge card....life can't be this cruel, can it? Two days of frustration and still, no resolution to their stupid mistake. I am pulling my money out of there as soon as it's all cleared up. Stupid manager Marvena has lousy customer service skills and wouldn't move her fat ass to try to speed things up for me. She didn't think there was any issue with me having to wait to use my OWN money they are tying up due to their mistake. Well, let's see how happy Marvena is when I write to the bank and name her as the reason I am pulling my funds out of there. So I've had it. I'm ready to not be so responsible for a little while. I want to say screw it all and just take a break from being grown up. Let someone else take care of making everything run smoothly for a while. I want to hang up my hat for a while. Like that's ever going to happen. I can always dream.

The Art of Listening

I give up! Why is it that so many people don't know how to listen? I mean, really listen; not just nodding their head and waiting for their turn to speak. You think they're listening to what you have to say, and then 10 minutes later, you hear them ask you a question regarding the very same thing you just told them....exasperation...why bother informing until they actually ask for the info? No such thing as alerting them to what's coming up throughout the day, week, or month. Until they want to know, until it's important to them, they are not hearing what you are saying. Every day I tell my man what my work hours are. Every day, he calls me at work and asks me what time I am working until. It's not like my hours change every day like his. I usually have the same hours all one week. 8:30 - 5:00 or 7 - 3:30 but he can't or doesn't retain that information from one minute to the next. This carries over into every aspect of our lives. If we have plans for something, I write it on the calendar. I tell him ahead of time what we are doing, what time, all the details. Inevitably, he asks several times before the date what are we doing? what time? where are we going? He can't even remember what his OWN hours are. He has to call work and ask them what time he is scheduled to work for the next day. Why is this so hard to retain??? aarrgghhhh! Don't think I'm perfect. I can actively not listen as well as the next person. Is there an art to listening and absorbing the others' words? Are we so busy with our daily lives' details that we can't absorb any more info from outside sources? Do we make conversation with others only to immediately forget everything they've told us as if the conversation never existed? Anyway, I think either I should give up trying to listen and remember so I don't get so upset when someone asks me over and over again OR I should try even harder to listen actively and not get pissed off when I have to repeat myself so often. I guess it all depends on my mood. Note to self: life is too short to be disgruntled. Let's try gruntled instead.

Too Much Flesh

Ugh!! Working in the E.R. is only partly a good thing. The extra money helps tremendously with bill-paying. But I never expected I would be seeing large quantities of saggy, old flesh while innocently trying to get patients' consents for treatment. I'm not clinical! Why do I have to see all this now??? I'm not ready for it. It only shows me what I will look like in due time. What a slap in the face!! If it were my parent, I would probably not be so appalled. After all, I love the people, so I can love their saggy flesh too (as long as they don't keep flashing it at me). When it's MY saggy old flesh, I guess I will love that too. Nothing like a huge dose of reality early Sunday morning before you've finished your coffee. Every time I went back to get a signed consent I was confronted with too much flesh showing, private parts just barely covered and everything else exposed to anyone popping in for paperwork. I think we should be more careful about covering folks up for their own sense of decency...oh who am I kidding? When I was in for my back surgery, I had two student nurses come in to help me shower. They tried so hard to keep me partially covered and I was so excited about having water washing over my body, I just dropped everything and told them to let me soak. I made fun of my flesh and the fact that I could barely move on my own but that water felt wonderful and I didn't care that those girls with beautiful thin bodies and youthful flesh were watching over me. I needed their help to maneuver since I was supposed to be wearing my "turtle shell", the hard plastic corset that supported my poor abused spine with new hardware in it. I figured it was part of their initation into the world of nursing and they would see much worse before they were done! Maybe it's only me that is offended by the quantity of flesh flashing in the E.R. But their skin has no elasticity; it doesn't snap back, it's just hanging there. Too many years of sun exposure on the normal body parts we are used to seeing bare in the summer time. Then you see that lily white (or gray) skin that should be covered up, all veiny and looking so fragile. Now that I think of it, I don't recall ever seeing a young person all exposed like that. Maybe it's because they rarely arrive in a condition calling for immediate removal of hampering garb and needing to be hooked up to heart monitors and all those other things with multiple wires. Here's to less exposed flesh and more dignity!